![]() It can be isolating and even painful to start to acknowledge your doubts and to come to terms with your feelings and experiences. It’s easy to excuse, overlook, or even rationalize. At times, the subtlety of it is what gets to us. Sometimes it’s obvious and other times it’s subtle. And yet there are religious leaders, environments, and families that can contaminate that safe place and even cause harm. ![]() It can be so incredibly confusing because lots of people think of religion as a safe place – a healing place. Life changing, even! However, sometimes things take a turn. Sometimes spiritual or religious experience can be so powerfully positive. You’ve prayed, you’ve fasted, you’ve sacrificed. The powerful moments and miraculous breakthroughs started becoming increasingly difficult to sustain. It’s hard to know where you end and the group begins. However, as time went on, you started realizing that you lost a little bit of yourself. You were inspired and it was your mission to inspire others! You acknowledge the tight-knit community with a single-minded vision and recall how committed you felt to the cause, to them, to the leadership. Life-changing moments that motivated you and gave you a purpose. You fondly recall earlier powerful moments in the church or group that you were a part of. Your first instinct is to take responsibility for all these confusing feelings and observations – “Maybe my faith is too small? Maybe I’m not praying enough? Maybe it’s spiritual warfare? Or my time in the desert?” The more you pay attention, the more you notice a hierarchy…some people are esteemed as more spiritual or closer to God than others, and these people seem to carry more influence over others. Certain questions aren’t allowed to be asked. You’re noticing that certain topics are off the table – untouchable. You can’t help but wonder about the leadership. What would it mean to leave, or even take a break? You’re nervous about the implications. You’re also noticing increasingly uncomfortable feelings of fear or dread at the pit of your stomach. Why am I rolling my eyes during the teachings/sermons? I’ve become hyper-critical of everything! Why does it feel painful to see people freely worshiping? Why can’t I get into the songs that used to be so moving? And yet, you can’t help but notice something has changed. You’re beginning to notice feelings of resentment. You wonder, “Have I ‘sold out?’ Is God testing me?” And yet somehow you sense it’s more complicated than that. In fact, the longer this goes on, the less of a sense you have of yourself, of God, of everything. Your feelings and thoughts are starting to drift from the certainty you’ve clung to for so long. Something is nagging at you – you just can’t put your finger on it. There’s no harm in playing the part.” But the mask is growing increasingly heavy and awkward to keep wearing. You told yourself, “This is just how it is. ![]() You’re starting to realize you’ve been pretending for a while. “If God were so loving then why….?” You may even hold cherished memories of your religious experiences and yet you can’t help but notice something has changed. And yet you also can’t reconcile so many mixed messages in your mind. You’re plagued by the questions, “What do I really believe? Am I allowed to doubt?” You can’t help but fear that your doubts mean you’re betraying God. You feel stuck when it comes to religion and spirituality ![]()
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